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diverdoc
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Post by diverdoc »

Thought that we could use a bit of humor about now. I got a kick out of this. Really liked the "Choice of endangerd species bumper stickers with each purchase." http://slate.msn.com/features/GodzillaSUV/page2.asp

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Post by troykennedy »

These are two of my favorites.Saint Peter is surprised to find the Clintons arriving at the Pearly Gates asking for entrance. Peter is lost for words and explains that he has to check with God on this one. Before God, Peter explains that Bill and Hillary were at the Gates wanting in. After a few moments God says, "Let one of them in." Saint Peter returns and then panics. Running back to God Peter screams, "They are gone!" "The Clintons?" asks God.Saint Peter yells, "NO THE GATES."And then:For the first few weeks after the inauguration an old Marine Sargent-major who runs his troops through the streets of Washington DC each morning, stopped them at the gate to the White House and addressed the Secret Service guards asking to see President Clinton. "It is President Bush now not Clinton," was the reply. After the same interchange day after day for weeks finally the Secret Service agent had to ask. "Why do you come back day after day and ask to see President Clinton when it is now President Bush?"His reply was, "I just love to hear you say it."TroyShow me a better sand box and I'll take my toys there. Till then, leave my Glamis alone!Troy E. KennedyOceanside, California

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Post by Sand Safari »

Here are the facts of a loss a coworker had the experience to go out on today.Policy holder had a short affair with a woman in a bar. He took her to his place. He woke up at 5:51 and then went back to sleep. He then woke at 7:00 to find himself alone, his wallet cleaned out, his checking account emptied, and his Toyota 4x missing.He thought her name was Sherry or Sharon but wasn't sure.Mike

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Post by troykennedy »

Here we go again.A middle aged widower finally achieved his dream and bought a new BMW. Going out to enjoy his "ultimate driving machine" he soon found himself tooling down a curvy road over eighty miles an hour. Just then he looked up to find red lights blinking in his rear view mirror. He accelerated to over 120 mph before good sense took over and he pulled over. The officer walked up and asked for the usual license and registration. After checking out the documents he returned to our middle aged teenager. As it was near the end of his shift and the 120 mph ticket was going to take a lot of paperwork he offered to forget it if our speeder could come up with an excuse that he hadn't heard."Officer, my wife just left me, with a Cop. I thought you were him, bringing her back."The officer just walked away.Show me a better sand box and I'll take my toys there. Till then, leave my Glamis alone!Troy E. KennedyOceanside, CaliforniaEdited by - troykennedy on 07/22/2001 4:06:26 PM

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Post by az350x »

A good one I got at work the other day:A nun is sitting with her Mother Superior chatting. "I used some horrible language this week and feel absolutely terrible about it." "When did you use this awful language?" asks the elder. "Well, I was golfing and hit an incredible drive that looked like it was going to go over 280 yards, but it struck a phone line that is hanging over the fairway and fell straight down to the ground after going only about 100 yards." "Is that when you swore?" "No, Mother," says the nun. "After that, a squirrel ran out of the bushes and grabbed my ball in its mouth and began to run away." "Is that when you swore?" asks the Mother Superior again. "Well, no." says the nun. "You see, as the squirrel was running, an eagle came down out of the sky, grabbed the squirrel in his talons and began to fly away!" "Is THAT when you swore?" asks the amazed elder nun. "No, not yet. As the eagle carried the squirrel away in its claws, it flew near the green and the squirrel dropped my ball." "Did you swear THEN?" asked Mother Superior, becoming impatient. "No, because the ball fell on a big rock, bounced over the sand trap, rolled onto the green, and stopped about six inches from the hole." The two nuns were silent for a moment. Then Mother Superior sighed and said, "You missed the @!*#!% putt, didn't you?"

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Post by Spyder »

THE PLANIn the beginning was the plan and then came the assumptions, and the assumptions were without form, and the plan was completely without substance.....and the darkness was upon the face of the employees, and they spoke amongst themselves saying, " It is a crock of $h#* and it stinks!"And the employees went unto their Supervisors, saying " It is a pail of dung and none may abide the odor thereof!"And the Supervisors went unto the Managers, saying " it is a container of excrement and it is very strong, such that none may abide by it.And the Managers went unto the Division Managers, saying " It is a vessel of fertilizer and none may abide by its' strength."And the Division Managers went unto their Systems Managers, saying " It contains that which promotes growth and it is very strong."And the Systems Managers went unto the General Manager, saying " It promotes growth and is very powerful."And the General Manager went unto the Board, saying " This new plan will actively promote growth and the efficientcy of this organization!"And the Board looked at the plan and saw it was good, and the plan became policy!......This is how $h#* happens.......

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Post by Spyder »

Here's a Nominee for the 1997 Darwin Award:The Arizona Highway Patrol came upon a pile of smoldering metal embedded into the side of a cliff rising above the road at the apex of curve. The wreckage resembled the site of an airplane crash, but it was a car. The type of car was unidentifiable at the scene. The lab finally figured out what it was and what had happened. I seems that this fellow had somehow gotten hold of a JATO (Jet Assisted Take Off), a solid fuel rocket that is used to give heavy military transport planes an "extra" push for taking off short airfields.He had driven his Chevy Impala out into the desert and found a long, straight stretch of road. He then attached the JATO unit to his car, jumped in, got up some speed and fired off the JATO. As best as could be figured out, the operator of the 1967 Impala hit JATO ignition at a distance of 3.0 miles from the crash site. This was established by the prominent scorched and melted asphalt at that location. The JATO, if operating properly, would have reached maximum thrust within 5 seconds, causing the Chevy to reach speeds in excess of 350 mph and continuing at full power for an additional 20-25 seconds. the driver, soon to be pilot, most likely would have experienced G-forces usually reserved for dog fighting F-14 jocks under full afterburners, basically causing him to become insignificant for the remainder of the event. However, the automobile remained on the straight highway for about 2.5 miles (15-20 seconds) before the driver applied the brakes, blowing the tires and leaving thick rubber marks on the road surface, then becoming airborne for an additional 1.4 miles and impacting the cliff at a height of 125 feet, leaving a blackened crater 3 feet deep in the rock wall!Sounded good until the crash part Edited by - spyder on 03/28/2001 04:28:27 AM

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Post by SANDMANIAC »

My Easter contribution! Finally . . A Blonde Man JokeAn Irishman, a Mexican and a blonde guy were doing construction work on scaffolding on the 20th floor of a building. They were eating lunch and the Irishman said, "Corned beef and cabbage"?"If I get corned beef and cabbage one more time for lunch I'm going to jump offthis building!!" he exclaimed..The Mexican opened his lunch box and yelled, "Burritos again? If I get burritos one more time I'm going to jump off, too!!."The blonde opened his lunch and said, "Bologna again? If I get a bologna sandwich one more time I'm jumping too."Next day the Irishman opens his lunch box, sees corned beef and cabbage and jumps to his death.The Mexican opens his lunch, sees a burrito and jumps too.The blonde opens his lunch, sees the bologna and jumps to his death also.At the funeral the Irishman's wife is weeping. She says, "If I'd known how really tired he was of corned beef and cabbage I never would have given it to him again!The Mexican's wife also weeps and says, "I could have given him tacos or enchiladas! I didn't realize he hated burritos so much."Everyone turned and stared at the blonde's wife. "Hey, don't look at me" she said. "He makes his own lunch!!HEY...WHERE DID GLAMIS GO?...J. Solishttp://clubs.yahoo.com/clubs/sandmaniacsasylumEdited by - SANDMANIAC on 03/28/2001 12:43:59 PM

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Post by racerx »

A Mets fan, a Yankees fan , a Dodgers fan and an Angles fan where all hiking in the mountains. When they all reached the top the Dodgers fan announced:" I am the greatest fan ever" The Mets fan said: "No way Im the greatest fan ever" Of course the Yankees fan said: "You are both wrong,Im the greatest fan ever" "Oh ya!" said the Angels fan."Im the greatest fan ever and Ill prove it". Just then the Angels fan yelled: "This is for the Angels", and he jumped off the cliff to his death. Not to be outdone the Dodgers fan yelled, "This is for the Dodgers" then he jumped of the cliff to his death. The Yankees fan wasnt about to be upstaged so he yelled:" This is for the Yankees" and he pushed the Mets fan off the cliff.

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Post by Voice »

A man walks into the bar at the top of a large building. It is the afternoon so not many people are there but there is one guy sitting, with his head hung low, drinking at the bar.The man walks up and takes a seat at the bar a couple of stools away from the guy. He looks over at the guy just in time to see him down his drink... then walk over to the open window and jump out! A second or two later the man sees the guy floating outside of the window. He steps back into the bar and sits back on his original stool, bangs the bar with his empty glass and says..."gimme another"The man looks at the guy in amazement."How did you do that?" he asked."Well, you see, this drink is so powerful it makes you float. Watch me."The guy downs his new drink and walks over to the window, jumps out, floats back up and steps back into the window."You outta try it. It's fun"The man is amazed. "I'll have what he's having."The bartender serves him up. The man downs his drink and walks over to the window and jumps........... 20 stories to his death.Just then the bartender turns to the guy and says.."You know, Superman, you sure are an Butthole when you're drunk."VoiceBrian

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Post by AlxCook »

Bible humorA new monk arrives at the monastery. He is assigned to help the other monks in copying the old texts by hand. He notices, however, that they are copying copies, not the original books. So, the new monk goes to the head monk to ask him about this. He points out that if there were an error in the first copy, that error would be continued in all of the other copies.The head monk says, "We have been copying from the copies for centuries, but you make a good point, my son." So, he goes downinto the cellar with one of the copies to check it against the original. Hours later, nobody has seen him.So, one of the monks goes downstairs to look for him. He hears a sobbing coming from the back of the cellar, and finds the old monk leaning over one of the original books crying. He asks the old monk what's wrong, and in a choked voice came the reply... "The word is 'celebrate'AlexCarlsbad, Ca

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Post by Washroad »

Mr. John HinkleySt. Elizabeth HospitalWashington, D.C.Dear John,As we prepare to leave Washington, Tipper and I wanted to drop you a short note to tell you how pleased we are with the great strides you are making in your recovery. In our country's new spirit of understanding and reconciliation, we want you to know there is a bilateral consensus of compassion and for giveness abroad throughout the land.Tipper and I want you to know that no grudge is borne against you for attempting to assassinate former President Reagan. We, above all, are aware of how the mental stress and pain could have driven you to such an act of desperation.We are confident that you will soon make a complete recovery and return to your family to join the world again as a healthy and productive young man.Best wishesAl GoreP.S.George W. Bush is boinking Jodie Foster.Edited by - Washroad on 03/28/2001 10:01:04 PM

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Post by JET »

Two cows are standing in a pasture.One cow says to the other "I don't feel very well"The other cow replies "Will you shut the heck up! Your going to get us all killed!"Jeff TaylorCalifornia Membership CoordinatorIf you're not outraged, you're not paying attention!

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Post by SANDMANIAC »

BACK TO THE TOP...WE NEED THIS!!A ventriloquist cowboy walked into town and saw a Texas rancher sitting on his porch with his dog:Cowboy: "Hey, cool dog. Mind if I speak to him?"Rancher: "This dog don`t talk!"Cowboy: "Hey dog, how`s it going?"Dog: "Doin alright"Rancher: (Extreme look of shock)Cowboy: "Is this your owner? (pointing at rancher)"Dog: "Yep."Cowboy: "How`s he treat you?"Dog: "Real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food, and takes me to the lake once a week to play."Rancher: (Look of disbelief)Cowboy: "Mind if I talk to your horse?"Rancher: "Horses don`t talk!"Cowboy: "Hey horse, how`s it goin?"Horse: "Cool."Rancher: (an even wilder look of shock)Cowboy: "Is this your owner?" (pointing at rancher)Horse: "Yep."Cowboy: "How`s he treat you?"Horse: "Pretty good, thanks for asking. He rides me regularly, brushes me down often, and keeps me in the barn to protect me from the elements."Rancher: (total look of amazement)Cowboy: "Mind if I talk to your SHEEP?"Rancher: (stuttering, and hardly able to talk)...... "Th-Th-Them sheep ain`t nothin but liars!!!"HEY...WHERE DID GLAMIS GO?...J. Solishttp://clubs.yahoo.com/clubs/sandmaniacsasylum

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Post by Paleale »

We need to find some more... It is going to be a Long Summer...Paleale"You are either part of the problem or part of the solution. What do you want to be?" SAVE GLAMIS Dune on...

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Post by Danman »

This one is a word spin on an old childs toy. Hope everyone gets it.A man is walking throught the country and sees a pasture on either side of the road. On one side, the pasture is full of cows, and on the other side are the bulls.Suddenly, there is an earthquake! He look over to the pasture where the cows are and they are falling over, one after the other. When he looks over to the pasture where the bulls are they are just wobbling back and forth a little.When the earthquake is over, he walks over to the fence where the bulls are and asks one of the bulls "Why did the cows fall over and you bulls just wobbled a little"?The bull responds, " WE BULLS WOBBLE BUT WE DON'T FALL DOWN" ( Weeble wobble but they dont fall down)

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Post by robbie »

A horse and a chicken are playing in the barnyard when the horse falls into a mud puddle up to his neck. So he tells the chicken to go get the farmers Banshee and a rope from the barn. The chicken gets the rope and the Banshee and ties one end of the rope to the horse and the other end to the quad. As the chicken gasses it the horse is pulled right out of the mud.The next day while the animals are out in the yard, the chicken falls into the puddle. He yells, "hey horse, get the Banshee". The horse walks over and straddles the mud puddle and tells the chicken. "just hold on to my thingie". The chicken hold on to the horses "thingie" and the horse takes one step and pulls the chicken right out of the mud puddle.The moral of the story...When you are hung like a horse,you don't need a BansheeTo pick up chicks.Robbie

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Post by Paleale »

JOB INTERVIEW John, who was born without ears, needed to hire a new Bank Manager. He set up three interviews. The first guy was great. He knew everything he needed to know and was very interesting. But at the end of the interview, John asked him, "Do you noticeanything different about me?" "Why, yes, I couldn't help but notice that you have no ears," came the reply.John did not appreciate his candor and threw him out of the office. The second interview was with a woman, who had been with the bank a long time. She was even better than the first guy.But he asked her the same question: "Do you notice anything different about me?" "Well," she said, "you have no ears." John again got upset and tossed her out. The third and final interviewee was the best of the bunch. He was a young man who had recently earned his MBA. He was smart. He was handsome. And he seemed to be a better businessman that the first two put together. John was anxious, but went ahead and asked the young man: "Do you notice anything different about me?" And much to his surprise, the young man answered, "Yes. You wear contact lenses." John was shocked and realized this was an incredibly observant person. "How in the world did you know that?", he asked. The young man fell off his chair laughing hysterically and replied, "Well,it's pretty hard to wear glasses with no flipping' ears!" Paleale"You are either part of the problem or part of the solution. What do you want to be?" SAVE GLAMIS Dune on...

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Post by SANDMANIAC »

Hillbilly Medical Terms  Benign..........................What you be after you be eight. Bacteria........................Back door to cafeteria. Barium.........................What you do with dead folks. Cesarean Section..........A neighborhood in Rome. Catscan........................Searching for the cat.   Cauterize......................Made eye contact with her. Colic............................A sheep dog. Coma...........................A punctuation mark. D&C............................Where Washington is. Dilate...........................To live longer than your kids do.   Enema..........................Not a friend. Fester...........................Quicker than someone else. Fibula...........................A small lie. G.I.Series....................World Series of military baseball. Hangnail......................What you hang your coat on. Hospital.......................The biggest building in town, other than Joe's feed warehouse or Franks lumber mill.Impotent......................Distinguished, well known. Labor Pain...................Getting hurt at work. Medical Staff................A Doctor's cane,sometimes shown with a snake. Morbid........................A higher offer than I bid. Nitrates.......................Cheaper than day rates. Node...........................I knew it. Outpatient...................A person who has fainted.Pap Smear...................A fatherhood test. Pelvis...........................Second cousin to Elvis. Post Operative.............A letter carrier.   Recovery Room...........Place to do upholstery. Secretion.....................Hiding something Seizure........................Roman emperor who lived in the Ceasarean Section. Tablet.........................A small table to change babies on.   Terminal Illness...........Getting sick at the train station. Tumor........................More than one. Urine..........................Opposite of mine. Varicose......................Near by HEY...WHERE DID GLAMIS GO?...J. Solishttp://clubs.yahoo.com/clubs/sandmaniacsasylumEdited by - SANDMANIAC on 03/30/2001 12:31:41 PM

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Post by Spyder »

How to Impregnate PigsThere was this not too bright farmer whose pigs were not reproducing. Since he wanted more pigs, he called a vet and asked what he should do. The Vet told him he should try artificial insemination. Not wanting to appear stupid, the farmer answered okay and hung up the phone. Unclear on the meaning of artificial insemination, the farmer decided it must mean HE had to impregnate the pigs.So he loaded them all in his pick-up truck, drove down to the woods and did them all. The next day he called the Vet again, and asked how he would know if the pigs were pregnant. The Vet told him they would be laying down and rolling in the mud. But when he looked out the window, none of them were laying down.So, he loaded them into his pick-up again, drove them to the woods and did them all again. To his dismay, they were all standing the next morning. So again he loaded the pigs in his truck, drove them to the woods and did 'em all one more time.By the next morning, the farmer was dead tired, so he asked his wife to lok out the window and tell him what the pigs were doing. She said, " Hmmmm, that's weird, they're all in the truck and one of them is blowing the horn."

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Post by Spyder »

A couple of women were playing golf one sunny Saturday morning. The first of the twosome teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole. The ball hit one of the men and he immediately clasped his hands together at his crotch, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in evident agony.The woman rushed down to the man and immediately began to apologize. " Please allow me to help. I am a physical therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you would allow me," she told him earnestly. "Ummph, oooh, nnooo, I'll be fine in a few minutes, " he replied breathlessly, as he remained in the fetal position still clasping his hands together at his crotch.But she persisted, and he finally allowed her to help him. She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, she loosened his pants, and she put her hands inside. She began to massage him.She then asked him " How does that feel?"He replied" It feels great, but my thumb still hurts like hell." Edited by - spyder on 03/30/2001 1:14:47 PM

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Post by luv2dune »

TITANIC VIDEO: $9.99 on Internet.CLINTON VIDEO: $9.99 on Internet.TITANIC VIDEO: Over 3 hours long.CLINTON VIDEO: Over 3 hours longTITANIC VIDEO: The story of Jack and Rose, their forbidden love, and subsequent catastrophe.CLINTON VIDEO: The story of Bill and Monica, their forbidden love, and subsequent catastrophe.TITANIC VIDEO: Jack is a starving artist. CLINTON VIDEO: Bill is a ******** artist.TITANIC VIDEO: In one part, Jack enjoys a good cigar. CLINTON VIDEO: Ditto for Bill.TITANIC VIDEO: During ordeal, Rose's dress gets ruined. CLINTON VIDEO: Ditto for Monica.TITANIC VIDEO: Jack teaches Rose to spit. CLINTON VIDEO: Let's not go there.TITANIC VIDEO: Rose gets to keep her jewelry. CLINTON VIDEO: Monica's forced to return her gifts.TITANIC VIDEO: Rose remembers Jack for the rest of her life. CLINTON VIDEO: Monica doesn't remember Jack.TITANIC VIDEO: Rose goes down on a vessel full of seamen. CLINTON VIDEO: Monica...uh, never mind.TITANIC VIDEO: Jack surrenders to an icy death.CLINTON VIDEO: Bill goes home to Hillary (basically the same thing)

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Post by luv2dune »

Subject: Why some men aren't meant to be secretaries Husband's note to his wife: "Doctor's office called. Said Pabst Beer is normal."

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Post by SANDUNERS »

Life at work is like a tree full of monkeys, all on different limbs at different levels.The monkeys on top look down and see a tree full of smiling faces.The monkeys on the bottom look up and see nothing but *&%holes.Edited by - sanduners on 03/31/2001 2:21:43 PM

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Post by troykennedy »

A guy leaves home for work one morning but soon realizes that he forgot his breifcase and returns home to find his wife in bed with his best friend. He tells her to pack her things and leave now.What does he say to his best friend?BAD DOG!sorry troyShow me a better sand box and I'll take my toys there. Till then, leave my Glamis alone!Troy E. KennedyOceanside, California

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Post by The Oldtimer »

A couple drove their car to K-Mart only to have their car break down in the parking lot. The man told his wife to carry on with the shopping while he fixed the car there in the lot. The wife returned later to see a small group of people near the car.On closer inspection she saw a pair of male legs protruding from under the chassis. Although the man was in shorts, his lack of underpants turned private parts into glaringly public ones. Unable to stand the embarrassment she stepped forward, quickly put her hand up his shorts and tucked everything back into place. On regaining her feet she looked across the hood and found herself staring at her husband who was standing there laughing. The mechanic, however, had to have three stitches in his head!Frankie Little Bo Peep, I found your sheep!

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Post by OBSESSED »

True but still funny...Here’s an oldie story for ya…does it sound like anyone that you know????????????????????It concerns my old friend Rusty. Now Rusty was my boss for awhile in the 70’s and I got him into duning. This was 1979-1980 you know, that long ago the years melt together. Well any way, Rusty Had a budget buggy, (I think most buggies back then were the budget variety). VW powered and some ‘Mickey Mouse’ stuff on it. He had done some recent modifications and it was late in the season and kinda warm. I was following him on a ride, when he stops near the bottom of a bowl and gets out. I stop on the top of the bowl and watch him. All of a sudden he looks at his engine, then gets a panic look on his face, throws his hands in the air and yells (SCREEMS) “IT’S GONNA BLOW…IT’S GONNA BLOW…” then he runs towards me. I calmly get out of my buggy and walk down the dune to his buggy. Rusty, and his 2 boys and passed me runnin' away from his car. I took quick notice (of his rail) and Rusty was mumblin’ something about gas and a HOT engine as he ran past me. Indeed! Before this dune trip, He had re-routed his accelerator cable (when he put in a new battery before the last trip.) The acc. cable stranded stock open style, had been rubbing a notch into his new battery (+) cable. The accelerator cable also ran across his rubber fuel line. So when the accelerator cable wore a hole into the battery cable, it became red hot (because it was grounded), which inturn melted a hole into his fuel line. Got the picture? A mini 12 volt welder... Rusty’s freekin’ I yell throw sand on it, on the now fire that has erupted. His boys run back down and start slamming sand on his car while Rusty and I start yankin' wires. The fire goes out then it re starts…over and over, his gas tank is mounted above his engine so gas keeps pouring onto hot engine. “RUSTY” I yell, “you got a petcock”, I reach under his fuel tank and turn off his gas and the fire goes out. His car was saved! But obviously, it has damage and we must pile 5 people into my 2-seat rail to get back to camp. (that's another joke!)Once back at camp Rusty starts scurrying around for the parts, he goes to the Glamis store for some stuff we didn't bring. I sit down and reflect on saving his buggy and pour myself a cold one, and another and another. It’s unusually warm and I tell Rusty(when he gets back) that we should probably leave first thing in the morn (early) to go fix his buggy instead of trying to fix it at night.We get up at daybreak and we go look for his car, after minor worry that we can’t find it(!) and after miles of lookin, we do. We re-wire/plumb it and OOPS, no battery to start it. The shorting out has killed it. So I hook up my trusty towrope. “Rusty I’ll tow you up to that little rise then on the other side pop the clutch in 3rd gear… I’ll be checking my mirror the hole time so wave when it starts…” So off I go pulling him, my old Corvair is doing wheelies and just dumping a ton of sand on him.Some people…they hear 'and/or' don’t get it, and then there's good OLE Rusty…I towed that guy for about 5 minutes, up dunes and down bowls trying to get it started, I start heading to sand hwy to try to find some flat sand. All of a sudden, he slammed his breaks, SNAP the tow rope broke…”what’s the matter?” I asked, ”Well, the car started at the very beginning, just after that first rise…” “Well why didn’t you wave??” I inquired…His response “are you kiddin'? And take my hands off the steering wheel? You were hauling ***** and I was hanging on for dear life…”We Finally make it to camp, and soon after (a few months later), as ‘Darwin’ would have it, Rusty took himself out of the duning gene pool and sold all his toys…Steve Make a difference...not an excuse!http://clubs.yahoo.com/clubs/glamisdunersforcleandunes

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Post by SANDMANIAC »

Ok let's get some more out of this thread!Uncle George spots a nice looking gal in a bar goes up and starts small talk. Seeing that she didn't back off he asked her name."Carmen," she replied.That's a nice name," he said warming up the conversation, "Who named you, your mother?""No, I named myself," she answered."Oh, that's interesting. Why Carmen?""Because I like cars, and I like men," she said looking directly into his eyes. "What's your name?"He answered..."Beerf**k."*******************************A man takes his wife to the stock show. They start heading down the alley that houses all the bulls. The sign on the first bull’s stall read: “This bull mated 50 times last year.” The wife turns to her husband and says, “He mated 50 times in a year, isn’t that nice!.” They proceed to the next bull and his sign read: “This bull mated 65 times last year.” The wife turns to her husband and says, “This one mated 65 times last year. That is over 5 times a month. You could learn from this one!” They proceeded to the last bull and his sign read: “This bull mated 365 times last year.” The wife’s mouth drops open and says, “WOW! He mated 365 times last year. That is ONCE A DAY!!! You could really learn from this one.” The fed up man turns to his wife and says, “Go up and ask if he had the same cow every day.” That Opportunity is ours, and it is NOW. All of us must work together in order that we not squander it!!J. SolisASA and BRC Member and Supporter!

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Post by jkperkins »

"I was recently on a tour of Latin America, and the only regret I have was that I didn't study Latin harder in school so I could converse with those people.""The Holocaust was an obscene period in our nation's history. I mean in this century's history. But we all lived in this century. I didn't live in this century." "We have a firm commitment to NATO, we are a *part* of NATO. We have a firm commitment to Europe. We are a *part* of Europe." "I love California, I practically grew up in Phoenix." All statements attributed to former Vice President Dan Quayle (but I can't vouch for their accuracy!) Dune unto others as you'd have them dune unto you.

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Post by jkperkins »

My all-time favorite joke:A penguin was driving through the desert when his car broke down. He waddled to the nearest phone to call AAA. His car was quickly towed to the nearest garage, where the mechanic told him he would need a coupleof hours to check out the car. The penguin decided to pass the time at the supermarket next door, where he first helped himself to some of the frozen fish sticks. For dessert, he climbed into the freezer and ate several gallons of vanilla ice cream. By now a couple of hours had passed, so he went back to the garage, covered in ice cream. The mechanic walked over to him wiping his hands and shaking his head, and said "It looks like you blew a seal." Blushing , the penguin said, "Oh no! It's just ice cream." Dune unto others as you'd have them dune unto you.

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Post by Sandsledge »

Some movie humor. I went to see the movie Crouching Tiger Hidden Dragon But I couldn't figure out why the movie was named this. I didn't see any tigers or dragons. Then I figured out why It was because the tigers were crouching and and the dragons were hidden. Rob ITS OK FOR A MAN TO PLAY IN THE SAND!Edited by - sandsledge on 06/02/2001 10:36:03 PM

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Post by SANDMANIAC »

THE GAS MEN Two gas company servicemen, a senior training supervisor and a young trainee, were out checking meters in a suburban neighborhood. They parked their truck at the end of the alley and worked their way to the other end. At the last house a woman looking out her kitchen window watched the two men as they checked her gas meter. Finishing the meter check, the senior supervisor challenged his younger coworker to a foot race down the alley back to the truck to prove that an older guy could outrun a younger one. As they came running up to the truck, they realized the lady from that last house was huffing and puffing right behind them. They stopped and asked her what was wrong. Gasping for breath, she replied,"When I see two gas men running as hard as you two were, I figured I'd better run too!" That Opportunity is ours, and it is NOW. All of us must work together in order that we not squander it!!J. SolisASA/BRC/NRA Member and Supporter!

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Post by AlxCook »

A husband and wife are out playing golf when, on the 14th hole, the man finds himself in the rough with a barn between him and the green. As he ponders just how he's going to save par, his wife suggests, "Why not open the front and rear barn doors and hit through the barn?" He thinks about it and decides to give it a try. After opening the doors, he hits a low-flying shot, which smacks off the barn door and ricochets to hit his wife right between the eyes, killing her instantly. About a month later, he's finally put himself together again to start playing golf. The first time out with his buddy, he somehow finds himself in the same predicament on the 14th hole: right behind the barn. He can't believe it. Considering the shot, his friend suggests, "Why not open the barn doors and hit right through it?" "God no," replies the man. "I tried that a few weeks ago and made triple bogey." Alex CookN. Coast S.D. Area Rep

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Post by luv2dune »

Little Johnny was sitting one day on a dock. Along came a preacher, who sat down beside him. Little Johnny had a mason jar full of what looked like water and he was turning it over and over watching the bubbles float through it. The Preacher seeing this said, "Whatcha doing with that water?" Little Johnny studied the contents of the jar for a minute and said, "Preacher this here is Turpentine. It's the strongest liquid in the world." The preacher immediately said to Little Johnny, "Son, Holy water is the strongest liquid in the world. Did you know if you rub a little Holy water on a pregnant woman's belly she will pass a baby boy?" Little Johnny thought about this one for a minute and said to the preacher, "Oh no sir, this is still the strongest. If you rub a little of this here stuff on a cats ***** it will pass a motorcycle!"

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Post by Ron @ Lazer Star »

Alarmingly true humor...Sent to me by the Publisher of South County Newspapers, in Montery County, CA...SOMETHING TO PONDERNumber of physicians in the US: 700,000.Accidental deaths caused by physicians per year: 120,000.Accidental deaths per physician.... 0.171(U.S. Dept. of Health & Human Services)Number of gun owners in the US: 80,000,000.Number of accidental gun deaths per year(all age groups) 1,500.Accidental deaths per gun owner: 0.0000188(* Benton County News Tribune on17th of November, 1999).Statistically, doctors are approximately 9,000 times more dangerous than gun owners.“Remember, Not everyone has a gun,but everyone has at least one Doctor.”Please alert your friends to this alarming threat. We must ban doctors before this gets out of hand.Remember guns don’t kill people, doctors do!Ron ScottVice President, OperationsWeekend ConceptsASA Endowment Committee/Forum Moderatorrscott@weekendconcepts.comwww.saveglamis.com"Remember... WHAT GOES AROUND, COMES AROUND!"

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Post by jhitesma »

Hate to break up the humor but since I just spent the last two days transfering a database listing every physician in the US I had to chime in on Ron's post.The exact count as of the data set my client gave me is 754,891 physicians in the US. I only know because about an hour ago I had to write a program to count them to make sure I got all of them in our clients DB!I promise I'll come up with a good laugh before the end of the week to make up for posting hard numbers in a humor post :)----Jason Hitesmanjason@hitesman.comhttp://www.hitesman.com/jason

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Post by The Oldtimer »

Two cowboys are talking over a beer, discussing various sex positions. The first cowboy says his favorite position is the "rodeo." The other cowboy asks what the position is, and how to do it? The first cowboy says, "You tell your wife to get on the bed on all fours and then do it doggy style. Once things start to get under way and she's really enjoying it, lean forward, grab her by her hair and whisper in her ear, 'Your sister likes this position too!'... Then try to hang on for 8 seconds!" Frankie FloresASA area RepS.D. North County (inland)WHEN'S THE NEXT BBQ??

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Post by JET »

Two guys are golfing. As they come up to one of the holes that is near the road, a funeral precession goes by. One guy takes off his hat and bows his head while the precession goes by. After that is done his buddy comments on how respectful he is. He replies "It's the least I can do. I was married to her for 25 years".Jeff TaylorCalifornia Membership Coordinator

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Post by The Oldtimer »

A famous heart specialist doctor died, and at his his funeral an ordinary coffin was displayed in front of a huge heart. When the minister finished with the sermon and after everyone said their good-byes, the heart was opened, the coffin rolled inside, and the heart was closed.Just at that moment one of the mourners started laughing. The guy nextto him asked, "Why are you laughing?""I was just thinking about my own funeral..." the man replied."What's so funny about that?" the guy asked...The man replied, "I'm a gynecologist!" Frankie FloresASA area RepS.D. North County (inland)WHEN'S THE NEXT BBQ??

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Post by Winston Cup »

A girl walks into a supermarket and buys the following: 1 bar of soap 1 toothbrush 1 tube of toothpaste 1 loaf of bread 1 pint of milk 1 single serving of cereal 1 single frozen dinner The checkout guy looks at her, smiles, and says, 'Single, huh?' The girl smiles sheepishly and replies, 'How'd you guess?' He says, 'Because you're ugly.'Guy ChrestBulletin Board AdministratorASA Supporter / Volunteer

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Post by JET »

Two blonds walked into a building....You would think one of them would have seen it.Jeff TaylorCalifornia Membership Coordinator

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Post by diverdoc »

Four Most Dangerous Things in the U.S. Navy are: 1. A Warrant Officer saying, "Watch this ****..."2. A Lieutenant saying, "Based on my experience..."3. A CDR saying, "I was just thinking...4. A Chief saying, "Trust me sir..."

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Post by dune4d »

A man is sitting in the park when he sees a strange funeral driving by. There was 2 hursts, a man walking a dog, and 200 men walking behind single file.Very curious the man in the park walked up to the man walking the dog and said,"I'm sorry about my timing but I've never seen a funeral like this before, what happened?"The man with the dog said,"Well...in the first hurst is my wife, my dog attacked her and killed her.""In the second is my mother-in-law, she tried to help and my dog killed her too."The man from the park thought about it for a minute and said,"Can I borrow your dog?"The man with the dog said,"Get in line"Dustin MiracleCanyon Lake CA

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Post by dune4d »

What is God's punishment for Poligimy?More than 1 mother-in-lawDustin MiracleCanyon Lake, CA

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Post by SANDUNERS »

A very rich lawyer is approached by the United Way. The man from the United Way is concerned that the lawyer made over $1,000,000.00 last year but didn't donate even a cent to charity."First of all," says the lawyer, "my mother is sick and dying in the hospital, and it's not covered by Medicare. Second, I have five kids through three divorced marriages. Third, my sister's husband suddenly died and she has no one to support her four children...""I'm terribly sorry," says the United Way man. "I feel bad about asking for money."The lawyer responds, "Yeah, well if I'm not giving them any money, why should I give you any?"ARE YOU AWAKE YET????

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Post by JET »

A man is in bed with his wife when there is a rat-a-tat-tat onthe door.He rolls over and looks at his clock, and it's half past three inthe morning. "I'm not getting out of bed at this time," hethinks, and rolls over. Then, a louder knock follows."Aren't you going to answer that?" says his wife.So he drags himself out of bed and goes downstairs. He opens thedoor and there is man standing at the door. It didn't take thehomeowner long to realize the man was drunk."Hi there," slurs the stranger. "Can you give me a push??""No, get lost. It's half past three. I was in bed," says theman and slams the door.He goes back up to bed and tells his wife what happened and shesays, "Dave, that wasn't very nice of you. Remember that nightwe broke down in the pouring rain on the way to pick the kids upfrom the baby sitter and you had to knock on that man's house toget us started again? What would have happened if he'd told usto get lost??""But the guy was drunk," says the husband."It doesn't matter," says the wife. "He needs our help and itwould be the Christian thing to help him." So the husband getsout of bed again, gets dressed, and goes downstairs.He opens the door, and not being able to see the strangeranywhere he shouts, "Hey, do you still want a push??"And he hears a voice cry out, "Yeah please."So, still being unable to see the stranger he shouts, "Where areyou?"And the stranger replies, "I'm over here, on your swing."Jeff TaylorCalifornia Membership Coordinator

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Post by JET »

Q: How many people does it take to change a light bulb incyberspace?1 to successfully change the light bulb and to post to the maillist that the light bulb has been changed.14 to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and howthe light bulb could have been changed differently.7 to caution about the dangers of changing light bulbs.27 to point out spelling/grammar errors in posts about changinglight bulbs.53 to flame the spell checkers.156 to write to the list administrator complaining about thelight bulb discussion and its inappropriateness to this maillist.41 to correct spelling in the spelling/grammar flames.109 to post that this list is not about light bulbs and to pleasetake this email exchange to alt.lite.bulb.203 to demand that cross posting to alt.grammar, alt.spelling andalt.punctuation about changing light bulbs be stopped.111 to defend the posting to this list saying that we are all uselight bulbs and therefore the posts **are** relevant to this maillist.306 to debate which method of changing light bulbs is superior,where to buy the best light bulbs, what brand of light bulbs workbest for this technique, and what brands are faulty.27 to post URLs where one can see examples of different lightbulbs.14 to post that the URLs were posted incorrectly, and to postcorrected URLs.3 to post about links they found from the URLs that are relevantto this list which makes light bulbs relevant to this list.33 to concatenate all posts to date, then quote them includingall headers and footers, and then add "Me Too."12 to post to the list that they are unsubscribing because theycannot handle the lightbulb controversy.19 to quote the "Me Too's" to say, "Me Three."4 to suggest that posters request the light bulb FAQ.1 to propose new alt.change.lite.bulb newsgroup.47 to say this is just what alt.physic.cold_fusion was meant for,leave it here.143 votes for a new list alt.lite.bulb.Jeff TaylorCalifornia Membership Coordinator

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Post by jhitesma »

Ok I promised some humor by the end of the week. Unfortunatly it's been a bad week for me so instead of a joke I'll just share a short story that shows my own twisted sense of humor.Before there was a web I was hired to setup a LAN and e-mail for a large manufacturer in Cleveland. After spending a week or two getting all of the wires run and software setup I was ready to send my first test message to everyone we had setup with e-mail. The message was as follows:This is a test of the new <BIG COMPANY> e-mail syste. This is only a test. We are trying to make sure that this message will get to everyone who is ment to receive it. If you did not receive this message please contact Jason immediately!Of course being sysadmin I had access to everyones mailbox and could instantly tell if the message had worked or not. The funny part was watching how many people actually responded ;)----Jason Hitesmanjason@hitesman.comhttp://www.hitesman.com/jason

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Post by SANDMANIAC »

TRUE DOCTOR'S STORIES!> A man comes into the ER and yells "My wife's going to have her baby in> the cab!" The ER physician grabs his stuff, rushes out to the cab, lifts> the lady's dress, and begins to take off her underwear. Suddenly he> notices that there are several cabs, and he's in the wrong one.> > *********> > A nurse at the beginning of the shift places her stethoscope on an> elderly and slightly deaf female patient's anterior chest wall. "Big> breaths," instructed the nurse. "Yes, they used to be," remorsed the> patient.> > *********> > One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I told a wife that her> husband had died of a massive myocardial infarct. Not more that five> minutes later, I heard her reporting to the rest of the family that he> had died of a "massive internal fart."> > *********> > I was performing a complete physical, including the visual acuity test.> I placed the patient twenty feet from the chart and began, "Cover your> right eye with your hand." He read the 20/20 line perfectly. "Now your> left." Again, a flawless read. "Now both," I requested. There was> silence. He couldn't even read the large E on the top line. I turned> and discovered that he had done exactly what I had asked; he was> standing there with both his eyes covered. I was laughing too hard to> finish the exam.> > *********> > A nurses' aide was helping a patient into the bathroom when the patient> exclaimed, "You're not coming in here with me. This is only a> one-seater!"> > *********> > During a patient's two-week follow-up appointment with his> cardiologist, he informed his doctor that he was having trouble with one> of his medications. "Which one?", asked the doctor. "The patch." The> nurse told me to put on a new one every six hours and now I'm running> out of places to put it!" The doctor had him quickly undress and> discovered what he hoped he wouldn't see. Yes, the man had over fifty> patches on his body! Now the instructions include removal of the old> patch before applying a new one.> > *********> > While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient, I asked, "How long> have you been bedridden?" After a look of complete confusion she> answered, "Why not for about twenty years -- when my husband was alive."> > *********> > And of course, the best is saved for last.... A nurse caring for a> woman from Kentucky asked, "So how's your breakfast this morning?" > "It's very good, except for the Kentucky Jelly. I can't seem to get used> to the taste," the patient replied. The nurse asked to see the jelly and> the woman produced a foil packet labeled "KY Jelly." That Opportunity is ours, and it is NOW. All of us must work together in order that we not squander it!!J. SolisASA/BRC/NRA Member and Supporter!

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Post by The Oldtimer »

TOP TEN REDNECK COUNTRY SONGS OF ALL TIME 10. Get Your Tongue Outta My Mouth 'Cause I'm Kissing You Goodbye! 9. I Sold A Car To A Guy Who Stole My Girl, But It Don't Run - So We're Even. 8. I Haven't Gone To Bed With an Ugly Woman, but I've Sure Woke Up With A Few. 7. If I Had Shot You When I Wanted To, I'd Be Out By Now. 6. You Gave Me Warm Fuzzies....Now I'm on Penicillin! 5. Her Teeth Was Stained, But Her Heart Was Pure. 4. She Got The Ring And I Got The Finger. 3. You're The Reason Our Kids Are So Ugly. 2. I Still Miss You, Baby, But My Aim's Gettin' Better. And the number one song is...1. She's A Lookin' Better After Every Beer. Frankie FloresASA area RepS.D. North County (inland)WHEN'S THE NEXT BBQ??

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