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Post by Sandemon »

December 1st
TO: ALL EMPLOYEES
I'm happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take place on
December 23rd at Luigi's Open Pit Barbecue. There will be lots of spiked
eggnog and a small band playing traditional carols...feel free to sing
along. And don't be surprised if our CEO shows up dressed as Santa Claus to
light the Christmas tree! Exchange of gifts among employees can be done at
that time; however, no gift should be over $10. Merry Christmas to you and
your family.
Patty Lewis
Human Resources Director

December 2nd
TO: ALL EMPLOYEES
In no way was yesterday's memo intended to exclude our Jewish employees. We
recognize that Hanukkah is an important holiday that often coincides with
Christmas (though unfortunately not this year). However, from now on we're
calling it our "Holiday Party." The same policy applies to employees who
are celebrating Kwanzaa at this time. There will be no Christmas tree and
no Christmas carols sung. Happy Holidays to you and your family.
Patty Lewis
Human Resources Director

December 3rd
TO: ALL EMPLOYEES
Regarding the anonymous note I received from a member of Alcoholics
Anonymous requesting a non-drinking table, I'm happy to accommodate this
request, but, don't forget, if I put a sign on the table that reads, "AA
Only," you won't be anonymous anymore. In addition, forget about the gifts
exchange--no gifts will be allowed since the union members feel that $10 is
too much money.
Patty Lewis
Human Researchers Director

December 7th
TO: ALL EMPLOYEES
I've arranged for members of Overeaters Anonymous to sit farthest from the
dessert buffet and pregnant women closest to the restrooms. Gays are
allowed to sit with each other. Lesbians do not have to sit with the gay
men; each will have their table. Yes, there will be a flower arrangement
for the gay men's table. Happy now?
Patty Lewis
Human Racehorses Director

December 9th
TO: ALL EMPLOYEES
People, people -- nothing sinister was intended by wanting our CEO to play
Santa Claus! Even if the anagram of "Santa" does happen to be "Satan,"
there is no evil connotation to our own "little man in a red suit."
Patty Lewis
Human Ratraces

December 10th
TO: ALL EMPLOYEES
Vegetarians --I've had it with you people!! We're going to hold this party
at Luigi's Open Pit whether you like it or not, you can just sit at the
table farthest from the "grill of death," as you put it, and you'll get
salad bar only, including hydroponic tomatoes. But, you know, tomatoes have
feelings, too. They scream when you slice them. I've heard them scream.
I'm hearing them right now... Ha! I hope you all have a rotten holiday!
Drive drunk and die, you hear me?
The ***** from Hell

December 14th
TO: ALL EMPLOYEES
I'm sure I speak for all of us in wishing Patty Lewis a speedy recovery
from her stress-related illness. I'll continue to forward your cards to her
at the sanitarium. In the meantime, management has decided to cancel our
Holiday Party and give everyone the afternoon of the 23rd off with full
pay. Happy Holidays!
Terri Bishop
Acting Human Resources Director
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Post by Sandemon »

> >>If Bored at Wal Mart
> >>
> >>15 Things to do at Wal-Mart while your spouse/shopping
> >>partner/significant other is taking his/her sweet >>time:
> >>
> >>1. Get 24 boxes of condoms & randomly put them in >>peoples carts when
>they aren't looking.
> >>
> >>2. Set all the alarm clocks in housewares to go off at >>5 minute
>intervals.
> >>
> >>3. Make a trail of tomato juice on the floor to the >>rest rooms.
> >>
> >>4. Walk up to an employee and tell him/her in an >>official tone, 'Code 3
>in housewares,'...and see what >>happens.
> >>
> >>5. Go to the Service Desk and ask to put a bag of >>M&M's on lay away.
> >>
> >>6. Move a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted >>area.
> >>
> >>7. Set up a tent in the camping department and tell >>other shoppers
>you'll only invite them in if they >>bring pillows from the bedding
>department.
> >>
> >>8. When a clerk asks if they can help you, begin to >>cry and ask 'Why
>can't you people just leave me alone?
> >>
> >>9. Look right into the security camera and use it as a >>mirror while you
>pick your nose.
> >>
> >>10. While handling guns in the hunting department ask >>the clerk if he
>knows where the antidepressants are.
> >>
> >>11. Dart around the store suspiciously while loudly >>humming the theme
>from Mission Impossible'.
> >>
> >>12. In the auto department practice your Madonna look >>using different
>size funnels.
> >>
> >>13. Hide in the clothing rack and when people browse >>through say 'PICK
>ME!
> >>PICK ME!!!!!!'
> >>
> >>14. When an announcement comes over the loud speaker >>assume the fetal
>position and scream 'NO! NO! It's >>those voices again'.
> >>
> >>and last but not least,
> >>
> >>15. Go into a fitting room and yell real loudly 'Hey! >>We're out of

>toilet paper in here!'.
>
:twisted: 8) :D
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Post by LoBuck »

Hu's on First?

Playwright Jim Sherman wrote this today after Hu Jintao was named chief of
the Communist Party in China

(We take you now to the Oval Office.)


George: Condi! Nice to see you. What's happening?

Condi: Sir, I have the report here about the new leader of China.

George: Great. Lay it on me.

Condi: Hu is the new leader of China.

George: That's what I want to know.

Condi: That's what I'm telling you.

George: That's what I'm asking you. Who is the new leader of China?

Condi: Yes.

George: I mean the fellow's name.

Condi: Hu.

George: The guy in China.

Condi: Hu.

George: The new leader of China.

Condi: Hu.

George: The Chinaman!

Condi: Hu is leading China.

George: Now whaddya' asking me for?

Condi: I'm telling you Hu is leading China.

George: Well, I'm asking you. Who is leading China?

Condi: That's the man's name.

George: That's who's name?

Condi: Yes.

George: Will you or will you not tell me the name of the new leader of
China?

Condi: Yes, sir.

George: Yassir? Yassir Arafat is in China? I thought he was in the Middle
East.

Condi: That's correct.

George: Then who is in China?

Condi: Yes, sir.

George: Yassir is in China?

Condi: No, sir.

George: Then who is?

Condi: Yes, sir.

George: Yassir?

Condi: No, sir.

George: Look, Condi. I need to know the name of the new leader of China. Get me the Secretary General of the U.N. on the phone.

Condi: Kofi?

George: No, thanks.

Condi: You want Kofi?

George: No.

Condi: You don't want Kofi.

George: No. But now that you mention it, I could use a glass of milk. And
then get me the U.N.

Condi: Yes, sir.

George: Not Yassir! The guy at the U.N.

Condi: Kofi?

George: Milk! Will you please make the call?

Condi: And call who?

George: Who is the guy at the U.N?

Condi: Hu is the guy in China.

George: Will you stay out of China?!

Condi: Yes, sir.

George: And stay out of the Middle East! Just get me the guy at the U.N.

Condi: Kofi.

George: All right! With cream and two sugars. Now get on the phone.

(Condi picks up the phone.)

Condi: Rice, here.

George: Rice? Good idea. And a couple of egg rolls, too. Maybe we should
send some to the guy in China. And the Middle East. Can you get Chinese
food in the Middle East?
Glenn Montgomery - KE7BTP
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Post by FunRunner »

Subject: HOMELESS

A Republican and a Democrat were walking down the street when they came to a homeless person. The Republican gave the
homeless person his business card and told him to come to his business for a job. He then took twenty dollars out of his pocket
and gave it to the homeless person.

The Democrat was very impressed, and when they came to another homeless person, he decided to help. He walked over to the
homeless person and gave him directions to the welfare office. He then reached into the Republican's pocket and gave the
homeless person fifty dollars.



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Post by BigRick »

I thought this was a Humor thread?
That last one sounded more like a documentry.

Democrat or Republican?
I was traveling between Phoenix and Chicago the other day and south of Kansas City when a tire blew out.

Checking my spare, I found that it too was flat. My only option was to flag down a passing motorist and get a ride to the next town.

The first vehicle to stop was an old man in a van. He yelled out the window, Need a lift?"

"Yes, I sure do," I replied.

"You a Democrat or Republican,?" asked the old man.

"Republican," I replied.

"Well, you can just go to Hell," yelled the old man as he sped off.

Another guy stopped, rolled down the window, and asked me the same question.

Again, I gave the same answer, "Republican." The driver gave me the finger and drove off.

I thought it over and decided that maybe I should change my strategy, since this area seemed to be overly political and there appeared to be few Republicans.

The next car to stop was a red convertible driven by a beautiful blonde.

She smiled seductively and asked if I was a Democrat or Republican.

"Democrat!" I shouted.

"Hop in!" replied the blonde.

Driving down the road, I couldn't help but stare at this gorgeous woman in the seat next to me, the wind blowing through her hair, perfect breasts, and a short skirt that continued to ride higher and higher up her thighs.

Finally, I yelled, "Please stop the car." She immediately slammed on the brakes and as soon as the car stopped, I jumped out. "What's the matter?" she asked.

"I can't take it anymore," I replied. "I've only been a Democrat for five minutes and, already, I want to screw somebody."

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Post by Jason G »

COOL SONG CHECK IT OUT

http://tlf.cx/dearpenis.swf

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Post by Winston Cup »

Famous last words of a Redneck.
"Heya'll, Watch Thayis!"

Image
Guy Chrest

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Post by Winston Cup »

Apple vs Microsoft

Three Apple engineers and three Microsoft employees are traveling by train to a conference. At the station, the three Microsoft employees each buy tickets and watch as the three Apple engineers buy only a single ticket.

"How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?" asks a Microsoft employee.
"Watch and you'll see," answers the Apple engineer.

They all board the train. The Microsoft employees take their respective seats but all three Apple engineers cram into a restroom and close the door behind them.

Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the restroom door and says, "ticket, please." The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on.

The Microsoft employees saw this and agreed it was quite a clever idea. So after the conference, the Microsoft employees decide to copy the Apple engineers (as they always do) on the return trip and save some money (being clever with money, and all that).

When they get to the station, they buy a single ticket for the return trip. To their astonishment, the Apple engineers don't buy a ticket at all.

"How are you going to travel without a ticket?" asks one perplexed Microsoft employee.
"Watch and you'll see," answers an Apple engineer.

When they board the train the three Microsoft employees cram into a restroom and the three Apple engineers cram into another one nearby. The train departs.

Shortly afterward, one of the Apple engineers leaves his restroom and walks over to the restroom where the Microsoft employees are hiding. He knocks on the door and says.........."Ticket, please"...
Guy Chrest

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Post by BANSHEEGIRL »

Subj: Spoiled bast***s

When I was a kid, adults used to bore me to tears with their tedious
diatribes about how hard things were when they were growing up. With
walking twenty-five miles to school every morning uphill both ways through
year 'round blizards carrying their younger siblings on their backs to
their one-room schoolhouse where they maintained a straight-A average
despite their full-time after-school job at the local textile mill where
they worked for 35 cents an hour just to help keep their family from
starving
to death! And I remember promising myself that when I grew up there was no
way in hell I was going to lay a bunch of crap like that on kids about how
hard I had it and how easy they've got it!

But....
Now that I've reached the ripe old age of twenty-nine, I can't help but
look around and notice the youth of today. You've got it so easy!
I mean, compared to my childhood, you live in a Utopia!
And I hate to say it but you kids today you don't know how good you've got
it!
I mean, when I was a kid we didn't have the Internet-we wanted to know
something, we had to go to the goddamned library and look it up ourselves!
And there was no email! We had to actually write somebody a letter-with a
pen!--and then you had to walk all the way across the street and put it in
the mailbox and it would take like a week to get there!
And there were no MP3s or Napsters! You wanted to steal music, you had to
go to the goddamned record store and shoplift it yourself! Or we had to
wait around all day to tape it off the radio and the DJ'd usually talk over
the beginning and screw it all up! You want to hear about hardship?
You couldn't just download porn! You had to bribe some homeless dude to buy
you a copy of "Hustler" at the 7-11! It was either that or j**koff to the
lingerie section of the JC Penney catalog! Those were our options!
We didn't have fancy stuff like Call Waiting! If you were on the phone and
somebody else called they got a busy signal!
And we didn't have fancy Caller ID Boxes either! When the the phone rang,
you had no idea who it was it could be your boss, your mom, a collections
agent, your drug dealer, you didn't know!!! You just had to pick it up and
take your chances, mister!
And we didn't have any fancy Sony Playstation videogames with
high-resolution 3-D graphics! We had the Atari 2600! With games like
"Space Invaders" and "Asteroids" and the graphics sucked *****! Your guy was
a little square! You had to use your imagination! And there were no
multiple levels or screens, it was just one screen forever! And you could
never win, the game just kept getting harder and faster until you died!
Just like LIFE!
When you went to the movie theater there no such thing as stadium seating!
All the seats were the same height! A tall guy sat in front of you, you
were screwed!
And sure, we had cable television, but back then that was only like 20
channels and there was no onscreen menu! You had to use a little book
called a TV Guide to find out what was on!
And there was no Cartoon Network! You could only get cartoons on Saturday
morning... ...D'ya hear what the heck I'm saying!?! We had to wait ALL
WEEK, you spoiled little bast***s! That's exactly what I'm talking about!
You kids today have got it too easy You're spoiled, I swear to God! You
guys wouldn't last five minutes back in 1984!
Also, I would also like to add that as kids, bike helmets were for the
retarted kid down the street. If you wiped out your green machine, then
your teeth would pop out like chickletts. End of story.
And don't even get me started as to where I would be now with the benefit
of spell check ...

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Post by FunRunner »

Your ticket please:
A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check
tickets. As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket, and
he opened his trench coat and flashed her. Without missing a beat she
said, "Sir, I need to see your ticket, not your stub."

Let's go for stupid :
A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery
store, but couldn't find one big enough for her family. She asked a
stock boy, "Do these turkeys get any bigger?"
The stock boy replied, "No ma'am, they're dead."

Caught for speeding:
The cop got out of his car and the kid, that was stopped for speeding,
rolled down his window.
"I've been waiting for you all day," the cop said.
The kid replied, "Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could."
When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way
without a ticket.

Stuck under a bridge:
A truck driver was driving along on the freeway. A sign comes up that
reads "low bridge ahead."
Before he knows it the bridge is right ahead of him and he gets stuck
under the bridge. Cars are backed up for miles.
Finally, a police car comes up. The cop gets out of his car and walks
around to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, "Got
stuck, huh?"
The truck driver says, "No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of
gas."

Drunk?
A drunk was stumbling down the street with one foot on the curb and one
foot in the gutter.
A cop pulled up and said, "I've got to take you in, sir. You're
obviously drunk".
The wasted wino asked, "Ociffer, are ya absolutely sure I'm drunk?"
"Yeah, buddy, I'm sure," said the cop. "Let's go." Obviously relieved,
the wino said "That's a relief - I thought I was a cripple."

Too Late:
The man was in no shape to drive, so he wisely left his car
parked and walked home. As he was walking unsteadily along, he was
stopped
by a policeman. "What are you doing out here at 2 A.M.?" asked the
officer.
"I'm going to a lecture." The man said. "And who is going to give a
lecture at this hour?" the cop asked. "My wife," said the man.





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Post by kev »

The Difference Between The Liberal and Conservative Over The War On Terrorism:
Question: You're walking down a deserted street with your wife and two small children. Suddenly, a dangerous looking man with a huge knife comes around the corner and is running at you while screaming obscenities. In your hand is a .357 Magnum and you are an expert shot. You have mere seconds before he reaches you and your family. What do you do? Liberal Answer: Well, that's not enough information to answer the question! You're looking for simple solutions to complex issues. ·Does the man look poor or oppressed? ·Is he a minority? ·Have I ever done anything to him that is inspiring him to attack? ·Could we run away? ·What does my wife think? ·What about the kids? ·Could I possibly swing the gun like a club and knock the knife out of his hand? Would that offend him? ·What does the law say about this situation? ·Is it possible he'd be happy with just killing me? ·Does he definitely want to kill me or would he just be content to wound me? ·If I were to grab his knees and hold on, could my family get away while he was stabbing me? ·If I tackle him and hurt him, could I be infringing on his rights? ·Could I help create a program that would assist this man? ·If we registered all knives would that solve this problem? ·This is all so confusing! I need to debate this with some friends for a few days to try to come to a conclusion. Conservative Answer: ·Shoot the son of a b*tch! Then take your family to a baseball game, eat some hot dogs with apple pie, sing the national anthem, and thank God for one more day of freedom.

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Post by zandkid »

what do you call a "greenie" in a room full of unhappy duners?


A: a dead man

B: a lawyer

C: a milk weed

D: an ambulance

E: all of the above



and yes i did think of it myself or at least never heard it before lol
and GOD said "LET THERE BE SAND!"...

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Post by JET »

THINGS MEN KNOW


Men know that Mother Nature's best aphrodisiac is still a naked women.

Men know that PMS is Mother Natures way of telling you to get out of the house.

Men know that if she looks like your mother, run.

Men know that there are at least three sides to every story; his, hers, and the truth.

Men know never to run away from a fight that you know you can win.

Men know that cats are evil and cannot be trusted.

Men know how to change the toilet paper, but to do so would ruin the game.

Men know exactly how much gas is left in the tank and how far that gas will get them.

Men know that from time to time , it is absolutely necessary to adjust oneself.

Men know that a woman will wear a low-cut dress and expect the man to stare at her cleavage.

Men also know that the woman will get pissed off when they do, for reasons not totally clear to them.

Men know that the reason men don't like cats is because they don't know how to cook them.

Men know that there is no such thing as a sure thing, unless her name is Bambi....

Men know that it's never a good idea to tell your father-in-law how good his daughter is in bed.

Men know that men are from here, and women are from way the hell over there.

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Post by Washroad »

Down south in Arkansas, Bubba called his attorney and asked, "Is it true
they're suing the cigarette companies for causing people to get cancer?

"Yes, Bubba, sure is true." responded the lawyer.

Bubba continued, "And now I hear that someone is suing the fast food
restaurants for making them fat and clogging their arteries with all them
burgers and fries, is that true mister lawyer?"

"Sure is, Bubba," said the lawyer. "But why you asking?"

"Cause I was a wondering," said Bubba. "Can I sue Budweiser for all of them
ugly women I've slept with?"
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Post by JET »

American liquor manufacturers have accepted the
FDA's suggestion that the following warning labels
be placed immediately on all varieties of alcohol
containers:

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may leave you
wondering what the hell happened to your bra.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you
think you are whispering when you are not.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is a major
factor in dancing like a retard.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to
tell your friends over and over again that you love
them.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to
think you can sing.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to
believe that ex-lovers are really dying for you to
telephone them at four in the morning.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you
think you can logically converse with members of the
opposite sex without spitting.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you
think you have mystical Kung Fu powers, resulting in
you getting your ***** kicked.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to
roll over in the morning and see something really
scary.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is the leading
cause of inexplicable rug burns on the forehead,
knees and lower back.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may create the
illusion that you are tougher, smarter, faster and
better looking than most people.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to
believe you are invisible or worse bulletproof.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to
think people are laughing WITH you.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause a
disturbance in the time-space continuum, whereby
gaps of time may seem to literally disappear.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause
pregnancy.

WARNING: the consumption of alcohol may Mack you
tink you can tipe real

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Post by FunRunner »

Potatoes..........
You know that all potatoes have eyes. Well, Girl Potato and Boy Potato had eyes for each other, and finally they got married, and had a little sweet potato, whom they called 'Yam.'

Of course, they wanted the best for Yam. When it was time, they told her about the facts of life. They warned her about going out and getting half-baked, so she wouldn't get accidentally mashed, and get a bad name for herself like 'Hot Potato,' and end up with a bunch of Tater Tots.

Yam said not to worry, no Spud would get her into the sack and
make a rotten potato out of her! But on the other hand she wouldn't stay home and become a Couch Potato, either. She would get plenty of exercise and eat well so as not to be skinny like her Shoestring cousins.

When she went off to Europe, Mr. and Mrs. Potato told Yam to watch out for the hard-boiled guys from Ireland. And the greasy guys from France called the French Fries. And when she went out west, to watch out for the Indians so she wouldn't get scalloped.

Yam said she would stay on the straight and narrow, and wouldn't associate with those high class Yukon Golds, or the ones from the other side of the tracks who advertise their trade on all the trucks that say, 'Frito Lay.'

Mr. and Mrs. Potato sent Yam to Idaho P.U. (that's Potato
University) so that when she graduated she'd really be in the Chips.
But in spite of all they did for her, one day Yam came home and announced she was going to marry Tom Brokaw.

Tom Brokaw! Mr. and Mrs. Potato were very upset. They told Yam she couldn't possibly marry Tom Brokaw because he's
just.........................



Are you ready for this?...............................




Are you sure?..............................




OK! Here it is!.................................





A COMMON TATER





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Post by Paleale »

SOAP DISPENSER
Two priests are off to the showers late one night.
They undress and step in the showers before they realize there is no soap. Father John says he has soap in his room and goes to get it, not bothering to dress. He grabs two bars of soap, one in each
hand, and heads back to the showers. He is halfway down the dimly light hallway when he sees three nuns heading his way. Having no place to hide, he stands against the wall and freezes like he's a statue.
The nuns stop and comment on how lifelike he looks.
The first nun suddenly reaches out and pulls on his manhood. Startled, he
drops a bar of soap.
"Oh look," says the first nun .... "It's a soap dispenser."
To test her theory the second nun also pulls on his manhood.
Sure enough he drops the other bar of soap.
The third nun decides to have a go.
She pulls once, then twice and three times but nothing happens.
So she gives one last, despairing tug then
yells....
" Holy Mary, Mother of God - Hand Lotion!"
Paleale

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"Off Roading Is Not A Crime...Its A Blast"

"Without tides there is no change, with out a moon there is no tides, So if you seek change go out and MOON someone"

IT IS TIME TO REVOLT

SAVE GLAMIS

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Post by FunRunner »

Subject: A good one


> Tom had been in business for 25 years and was finally sick of the stress.
He
> quit his job and bought 50 acres of land in Alaska as far from humanity as
> possible. Saw the postman once a week and got groceries once a month;
> otherwise it was total peace and quiet.
>
> After six months or so of almost total isolation, someone knocked on his
> door. He opened it and there stood a huge, bearded man.
>
> "Name's Lars, your neighbor from forty miles up the road... Having a New
> Years Eve party Tuesday night... Thought you might like to come... About
> 5:00..."
>
> "Great," said Tom, "after six months out here I'm ready to meet some local
> folks. Thank you."
>
> As Lars was leaving, he stopped and said, "Gotta warn you...There's gonna
be
> some drinkin'."
>
> "Not a problem," said Tom. "after 25 years in business, I can drink with
the
> best of em."
>
> Again, as he started to leave, Lars stopped and said, "More 'n' likely
gonna
> be some fightin' too."
>
> Tom said, "Well, I get along with people, I'll be all right. I'll be
there.
> Thanks again."
>
> Once again Lars turned from the door, saying "More'n likely be some wild
sex,
> too."
>
> Alaska is a great place for sure
>
> "Now that's really not a problem," said Tom, warming to the idea. "I've
been
> all alone for six months! I'll definitely be there. By the way, what
should I
> wear?"
>
> Lars stopped in the door again and said, "Whatever you want. Just gonna be
> the two of us."

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Post by ran350x »

Career Change

A gynecologist had become fed up with malpractice insurance and was on the
verge of being burned out. Hoping to try another career where skillful
hands would be beneficial, he decided to change careers and become a
mechanic.

He found out from the local technical college what was involved, signed
up for evening classes, attended diligently, and learned all he could.
When the time for the practical exam approached, the gynecologist prepared
carefully for weeks and completed the exam with tremendous skill. When the
results came back, he was surprised to find that he had
obtained a score of 150%.

Fearing an error, he called the instructor, saying "I don't want to appear
ungrateful for such an outstanding result, but I wondered if there had
been an error which needed adjusting."

The instructor said, "During the exam, you took the engine apart perfectly,
which was worth 50% of the total mark. You put the engine back together
again perfectly, which is also worth 50% of the mark."

The instructor went on to say, "I gave you an extra 50% because you did
all of it through the muffler."
Randy

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Post by FunRunner »

AN IRISH BET

A Texan walks into a pub in Ireland and clears his voice to the crowd of
drinkers. He says, "I hear you Irish are a bunch of hard drinkers. I'll
give $500 American dollars to anybody in here who can drink 10 pints of
Guinness back-to-back." The room is quiet and no one takes up the Texan's
offer.
One man even leaves. Thirty minutes later the same gentleman who left shows
back up and taps the Texan on the shoulder. "Is your bet still good?" asks
the Irishman.
The Texan says yes and asks the bartender to line up 10 pints of Guinness.
Immediately the Irishman tears into all 10 of the pint glasses drinking
them all back-to-back.
The other pub patrons cheer as the Texan sits in amazement.
The Texan gives the Irishman the $500 and says, "If ya don't mind me
askin', where did you go for that 30 minutes you were gone?"
The Irishman replies, "Oh ... I had to go to the pub down the street to see
if I could do it first."

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Post by J. Hanes »

So You Think A Gallon Of Gas Is Expensive? Lets put things in perspective.

Diet Snapple 16 oz $1.29 ......... $10.32 per gallon
Lipton Ice Tea 16 oz $1.19 ....... $ 9.52 per gallon
Gatorade 20 oz $1.59 ............. $10.17 per gallon
Ocean Spray 16 oz $1.25 ......... $10.00 per gallon
Brake Fluid 12 oz $3.15 ........... $33.60 per gallon
Vick's Nyquil 6 oz $8.35 ......... $178.13 per gallon
Pepto Bismol 4 oz $3.85 .......... $123.20 per gallon
Whiteout 7 oz $1.39 ............... $25.42 per gallon
Scope 1.5 oz $0.99 ................. $84.48 per gallon

and this is the REAL KICKER......

Evian water 9 oz for $1.49 ........ $21.19 per gallon.

$21.19 FOR WATER! ....and the buyers do not even know the source. The name Evian is Naive turned around, and the Canadians are selling it by the millions of gallons to the US.

So, the next time you're at the pump, be glad your car doesn't run on
water, Scope, or Whiteout, or God forbid, PEPTO BISMOL or NYQUIL!!!!

Just a little humor to help ease the pain of your next trip to the
pump...........!
Jerod

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Post by YFZ Bob »

To: Dept. of Homeland Security


Dear Sirs:



I am writing to you for further instructions to what the next step is

for me to take in protecting my family from possible attacks by

terrorists.



I have my duck taped....now what?







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Post by kev »

It's common practice in England to ring a telephone by sending
extra voltage across one side of the two wire circuit and ground
(earth in England). When the subscriber answers the phone, it
switches to the two wire circuit for the conversation. This
method allows two parties on the same line to be signalled
without disturbing each other.

An elderly lady with several pets called to say that her
telephone failed to ring when her friends called; and that on the
few occasions when it did ring her dog always barked first. The
telephone repairman proceeded to the scene, curious to see
this psychic dog.

He climbed a nearby telephone pole, hooked in his test set,
and dialed the subscriber's house. The phone didn't ring. He
tried again. The dog barked loudly, followed by a ringing
telephone.

Climbing down from the pole, the telephone repairman found:

1. The dog was tied to the telephone system's ground post via
an iron chain and collar.

2. The dog was receiving 90 volts of signalling current.

3. After several such jolts, the dog would start barking and
urinating on the ground.

4. The wet ground now completed the circuit and the phone
would ring.

Which shows you that some problems can be fixed by just
pissing on them. But only temporarily.

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Post by Sand Commander »

Proud Jewish parents of a bright 6 year old were frustrated at his performance at school. All of his grades were low, but he was failing math. They decided as a last resort to send him to a catholic school. When he returned from his first day at catholic school he headed straight up to his room to do his homework. How wonderful his mother thought. She called him down to dinner and after eating went back up to his room and studied until bedtime. This routine continued for the entire semester. When his report card arrive his parents were pleased to see all of his grades had improved. The biggest shock was the A he was getting in math. "How can you go from failing math to an A in such a short time period"? his mother asked. "Was it the Nuns?” she asked. "No" was his reply. "Was it the priests"? she asked. "No" was his reply. "Then what was it that caused such an improvement"? she asked. "On the first day of school I knew they were serious about math when I saw a statue of a guy nailed to a plus sign."
Bill Jones
Apathy is the greatest danger to our freedom.
If you give in to fear and pain, there are thrills you will never know- North Dallas Forty
Government by the people has now been replaced by Government verses the people
The best argument against democracy is a five minute conversation with the average voter- Winston Churchill

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Post by Winston Cup »

A Liberal Democrat!!
 

A first grade teacher explained to her class that she was a liberal Democrat.  She then asked her students to raise their hands if they were liberal Democrats, too.  Not really knowing what a liberal Democrat was, but wanting to please their teacher, hands exploded into the air like fleshy fireworks.

There was, however, one exception. A girl named Lucy had not gone along with the crowd. The teacher asked Lucy why she decided to be different. "Because I'm not a liberal Democrat," Lucy said. The teacher asked, "Then what are you?" I'm a proud conservative Republican," said the little girl.

The teacher, a little perturbed and red-faced, asked Lucy why she was a conservative Republican?

Lucy proclaimed, "Well, I was brought up to trust in myself and freedom, instead of relying on an intrusive government to care for me and do all of my thinking. My Dad and Mom are conservative Republicans, and I am a conservative Republican too."

The teacher calmly pointed out, "That's no reason. What if your Mom and Dad were both morons? What would you be then?"

Lucy answered, "Then, I'd be a liberal Democrat."
Guy Chrest

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Post by kev »

While attending a marriage seminar on communication, Jim and his wife listened to the instructor declare: "It is essential that husbands and wives know the things that are important to each other. For instance, gentlemen, can you name your wife's favorite flower?"


Jim leaned over, touched his wife's arm gently and whispered, "Gold Medal Self-Raising, isn't it?"


The rest of the story is not pleasant."

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Post by FunRunner »

Not political, just amusing.


Why Did The Chicken Cross the Road?


GEORGE W. BUSH

We don't really care why the chicken crossed the road. We just want to
know if the chicken is on our side of the road or not. The chicken is
either with us or it is against us. There is no middle ground here.

COLIN POWELL

Now at the left of the screen, you clearly see the satellite image of
the chicken crossing the road.

HANS BLIX

We have reason to believe there is a chicken, but we have not yet been
allowed access to the other side of the road.

MOHAMMED ALDOURI (one-time Iraqi ambassador)
The chicken did not cross the road. This is a complete fabrication. We
don't even have a chicken.

SADDAM HUSSEIN

This crossing of the road was an unprovoked act of rebellion and we
were quite justified in dropping 50 tons of nerve gas on the chicken.

RALPH NADER

The chicken's habitat on the original side of the road had been
polluted by unchecked industrialist greed. The chicken did not reach the
other side, it was run over by the wheels of a gas guzzling SUV.

PAT BUCHANAN

To steal a job from a decent, hard-working American

RUSH LIMBAUGH

I don't know why the chicken crossed the road, but I'll bet it was getting a
government grant to cross the road, and I'll bet someone out there is already
forming a support group to help chickens with crossing-the-road
syndrome. Can you believe this? How much more of this can real Americans take?
Chickens crossing the road paid for by tax dollars, and when I say tax dollars,
I'm talking about your money, money the government took from you to build roads for
chickens to cross.

MARTHA STEWART

No one called to warn me which way that chicken was going. I had a
standing order at the farmer's market to sell my eggs when the price
dropped to a certain level. No little bird gave me any insider information.

JERRY FALWELL

Because the chicken was gay! Isn't it obvious? Can't you people see the
plain truth in front of your face? The chicken was going to the "other
side." That's what they call it -- the other side. Yes, my friends, that
chicken is gay. And, if you eat that chicken, you will become gay too. I say we
boycott all chickens until we sort out this abomination that the liberal
media whitewashes with seemingly harmless phrases like "the other side."

DR. SEUSS

Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad?
Yes, The chicken crossed the road, But why it crossed, I've not been told!

ERNEST HEMINGWAY

To die In the rain. Alone.

MARTIN LUTHER KING, JR.

I envision a world where all chickens will be free to cross roads
without having their motives called into question.

GRANDPA

In my day, we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Someone told
us that the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough for us.

BARBARA WALTERS

Isn't that interesting? In a few moments we will be listening to the
chicken tell, for the first time, the heart-warming story of how it
experienced a serious case of molting and went on to accomplish its
life-long dream of crossing the road.

JOHN LENNON

Imagine all the chickens crossing roads in peace.

ARISTOTLE

It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.

KARL MARX

It was an historical inevitability.

VOLTAIRE

I may not agree with what the chicken did, but I will defend to the
death its right to do it.

RONALD REAGAN

What chicken?

CAPTAIN KIRK
To boldly go where no chicken has gone before.

FOX MULDER

You saw it cross the road with your own eyes! How many more chickens
have to cross before you believe it?

SIGMUND FREUD

The fact that you are at all concerned that the chicken crossed the
road reveals your underlying sexual insecurity.

BILL GATES

I have just released eChicken 2004, which will not only cross roads,
but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your
checkbook, and Internet Explorer is an inextricable part of eChicken.

ALBERT EINSTEIN

Did the chicken really cross the road or did the road move beneath the
chicken?

BILL CLINTON

I did not cross the road with THAT chicken. What do you mean by chicken?

Could you define chicken, please?

COLONEL SANDERS

I missed one?

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